www.justjaylyn.com

To answer a few of the follow-up questions regarding project closure:

1. “Were my experiences all positive?” Well, for the most part, yes but realistically, no. Not all. As I alluded to in my write-up, my ignorance and naivety created some challenges. There are some things I wish I did not know and did not experience but I think when you start upon a path like this, you have to accept the risks. Not everyone is going to be supportive. Not everyone is going to be honest. And not everyone is…good. The promoted military values of honour, respect, integrity and professionalism might be the reality of the masses but it does not necessarily translate to the reality of the individuals that make up that whole. Most do their jobs really well–exceed the values that the military has set as standards but then fall short elsewhere. I think I struggled with this duality the most. The military’s ability to deliver that message and have you believe it is strong. They don’t show everything in the brochure. But eventually, you cut through the crap. You can’t help but see the truth. And the truth’s not always pretty. So no. My experiences were not always positive but regardless, they were worthwhile lessons.

2. Yes, the man I fell in love with was/is in the Canadian Army. Not the Navy. Not the Airforce or any other faction therein. I have no affinity for one over the other but does that really matter? Aren’t you all soldiers first?
(That was not a question I was expecting but thanks for the chuckle. Competitive.)

3. My status is what it is. If I’ve learned anything, the lifestyle is not one that I could live indefinitely. The waiting & supporting part I can do but not without the security of knowing that some semblance of the man that left is going to be the same man that returns. Too much uncertainty. Men and women that do these jobs can’t always talk about how their day is going. They can’t always welcome you into their world. I have issues with that type of detached restraint and censorship but those are my limitations not necessarily anyone else’s. There are plenty of online resources/support communities that can help build insight if one’s considering going down this path. I suggest you search them out and talk to your partner as I do not make any claims to be an expert.

4. I’d love to share the details of certain stories but I’m not really at liberty to do so. As I stated, many of the stories submitted were for my eyes only. In some cases, people just needed a safe place to park their thoughts without judgement. I need to respect that. If you refer to the website, I included a few stories from a few of the soldiers who were comfortable sharing. What I can say is I’ve heard stories about injured soldiers, death, frustration with the system, government, shack-rats, loyalty, disloyalty, brotherhood, guilt, history, various wars…the stories are endless. None of you are alone.

5. No money was made with respect to the actual stories captured (at least, not yet) but money was raised as a result of this journey.

6. I can’t speak for everyone and how they approach understanding but in my mind, how best to show someone you care than by making an effort to relate and understand? Action speaks louder than words.

7. “Why stories?” Well, how about I address that question with a story. The story that comes to mind is my first concept of a story beyond a book. I loved getting letters as a child. I was thoroughly intrigued by the mailman that brought these story updates to our door everyday so much so that I followed the steps of our mailman down our street, with my little bag in hand, innocently taking the mail out of the mailboxes the mailman had just delivered to so I could have more of it. Needless to say, that didn’t go over well. As a 5 year old, I ended up learning about the intricacies of law and that tampering with mail was a federal offense…not to mention, a sore a**. Not entirely how I envisioned that “project” going at the start but it’s how it ended up. You’d think that would have turned me off of stories but quite the opposite. It’s the value of the experience, the personal connection and the lessons I seek.

8. For the most part, I received anecdotes/insight from individuals within the Canadian military (NCO and officer streams) but I also heard from British and American forces; both veterans and active personnel alike and from varying ranks. I heard from wives, fathers, mothers and even children of war that left their 3rd world countries. I should also mention that I received incredible photographs and collages in lieu of stories. There are a lot of creative and generous people out there.

9. As for my photos. They were taken by a friend who is an aspiring photographer. Generally, when he’s looking to expand his portfolio, he seeks me out. No plans for more. No other sizes available.

10. “Why are you closing?” I’ve been focussing on this project for a few years. Although I have had my hand in other things, I just feel it’s time. This project may be over but it does not mean I’m turning my back on the people that make up this unique community. You’re in my heart. I think what I need to emphasize is the number of times I threw a book down, slammed my laptop shut, shook my head at my ignorance and said, “Where the hell have I been for the past 20 years?!!” Just too many times to count. You opened my mind. I have been initiated. I will continue to support the cause in as many ways as I can. And of course, I’ll always be listening and eager to hear about your endeavors. I just won’t be actively seeking them with purpose. Even my mom expressed sadness over my decision. It’s just time.

11. What’s next? All I know is I want lots and lots of people around me! I’m going to be trying my hand at paddling this spring with a team of crazy women but I’ll be out in the community volunteering in some capacity and of course, I’ll always be capturing stories.

I believe that sums things up. I apologize if I missed anything.

For the past 3 years, I’ve been on one heck of a journey to learn about our men in uniform by capturing their stories.  Initially, it was an attempt to get to know my deceased grandfather, a WWII vet, but eventually it turned out to be a life-altering, personal experience.  Isn’t it amazing how when we look back, the beginning doesn’t look anything like the middle or the end?

When I first started out, I knew nothing about military.  Absolutely nothing.  I counted on the honesty and integrity of the soldiers I met, to school me in this new world that generally, prefers to keep outsiders out.  It took some time but eventually, these soldiers found their way to me and I to them.  And when we did manage to find each other, I became a very eager student.  I asked a lot of questions so much so that I was nicknamed, “Paras” –short for paragraphs. 

I knew I’d never know it all but that wasn’t the mission.  I didn’t want to know it all.  What I wanted was understanding and a connection to that which made me, me and in the process, if I could raise some $$ for our veterans then it was all good.  God only knows that my ignorance combined with my naivety created some challenges but I persevered…and even though I may have fought ruthlessly within myself to admit it, (yes, I am a woman…I wanted to change the ROE), I got exactly what I set out to achieve. 

Over those years, I learned some military-speak, snuck into the male barracks (that sounds far more reckless than it was–ok, it was reckless but I heard some really cool things!), dressed in camo, wore a flak vest, donned a rucksack, ran without the rucksack haha, danced amongst military dignitaries, explored our military heritage in countless ways, ate mess-style, attended a defence conference, faced my fear of guns, gorged myself on military rations (ok, I gagged and when I picture it, the reflex to gag still exists), engaged in fundraising initiatives, kept many soldiers company through email while overseas, strolled the halls of RMC, attended a few “mug-outs”, hosted military events in honour of our veterans, discussed policy with members of parliament, accessed my grandfather’s military records & acquired his medals, wore red to mark my support, read seemingly endless amounts of books and watched countless recommended movies but most importantly, I listened.  I listened to stories that our military folks and families took the time to share.  I cried.  A lot.  But I laughed too and at one point, I even fell in love but that’s a whole different story…needless to say, my eyes were re-opened.

It is a unique culture and as one soldier explained, “It’s a lifestyle.  You don’t just choose the lifestyle, it chooses you.”

And that’s very much how I felt, the more involved I became…it just chose me.  To some extent,  it ate up my identity and provided a sanctuary that falsely assured me of my belonging.  It’s difficult not to assume many of the emotions that these men and women face when you listen to their stories or in some cases, their silence.  Not to mention, those of their families as well.  There were days I had to shut things down just to re-energize for the next wave of emotions.  It was all consuming.  All my thoughts and outlets became military.  Where once people in general were my passion, I could no longer see beyond these intangible boundaries.  At least, not entirely.

The mentalities are different; their perspectives are different; their approaches are different.  I was becoming… ”different”.  My friends and family didn’t understand it and when I took the plunge to date within this world, they saw my waiting and pining and acceptance as being abused and mistreated but as many of the ‘wives’ know, it’s just par for the course.  If you want him…if you love him, believe in him, you wait…and you have faith.  It means always being second to the other woman…the Queen.  And as one soldier put it, “She’s a bitch!”   lol  I laugh but it’s seriously no laughing matter.  Her power and ability to flatten and dishevel is undeniable.  Up until that time, I found myself very much on the defensive–not legitimately belonging to that world but unintentionally isolating myself from the other.  I couldn’t embrace a world that wasn’t truly being offered but I couldn’t transition back to a world that didn’t really understand my connection.  So I remained.  Slightly beaten.  Emotionally shaken by the realities that would never truly be my own. 

These men and women think it, live it, breathe it, eat it because it’s much easier to do so than to fight it or explain it…

We refer to the ultimate sacrifice as being death but after 3 years of listening, I would argue that the ultimate sacrifice is living…not just existing but living after having lived the lifestyle. 

At least for me, the mission is over.  The rules of engagement have changed.  It’s time to soldier on and face the next journey on the road to self-discovery.  Sadly, I don’t get to bring anyone with me.  The adage, no man left behind, doesn’t apply.  Believe me, I want to but the bonds created were not forged in blood or by brotherhood or common solidarity.  They were simply memories in the making; a peeling back of the layers to reveal my own inner depths; and hopefully, a reminder to those who reached out that there are people that care.  I feel I’ve lived so much, learned so much and been given so much …and for that I’m truly thankful.      J.